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Monday, November 14, 2011

Rants

There was a time when I thought I would be done with ranting.  Apparently, that is not the case.  I'm going to tell you right up front- You really do not have to actually read this...  Tonight, it's really I who needed this.  I just needed to release.



When I was thirteen, I wrote a song based on the fact that I seemed to be around whenever anyone met the person that they'd been looking for.  My lady friends met guys they liked- and several married those guys.  My buddies met girls they liked- and several of them got married.  Today, the majority of my friends are married, with families, stable careers (or at least a job), and seeing dreams come true.  Sure, they have also seen their share of misfortune, so don't think I'm making it out to be roses!


However, getting back to the point, my friends found the one they were with for at least a year while around me.  When they needed romantic advice, they asked me.  When my lady friends wanted to know about a guy, they came to me because...  I'm not too threatening, apparently.  When my guy friends needed advice on wooing women, they came to me...  Because I'm a hopeless romantic.  Apparently, women like romance.  Who'd have thought?


In the middle of all of this romance and destiny calling and fate knocking, I stood wondering just why the hell nothing went right in this department for me.  Heh.  I dated a few girls I knew, but nothing ever worked out.  Meanwhile, my buddies were still with their significant others.  So, naturally, I did what any songwriter does in a highly emotional situation: I wrote a song.

I keep the fire going - I keep it alive
Emotions are real - I keep them pure
A real, true love - For this I strive
Advice I keep - Come glean my stores

But though I help and I assist
Though I search still I have missed
Always the best man, never the groom
Still have within an empty room...


I am the keeper - Of the fire
I make the flame leap higher
But when will the ice inside of me
Melt away for love to see
That though I keep the fire of lo-ve
When will love come to me?
When will love come to me?
When will love come to me?
When will love come to me?

I keep the fire going - I feed its burn
Hearts connect and I - I simply smile
They find love - And they turn
I smile and laugh and celebrate - Hurting all the while

For though I help and I assist
For all my searching still I miss
Still the best man, never the groom
Dust gathers in that empty room (ch)

Tonight, something occurred which was completely innocuous- Something completely innocent, without great pomp or circumstance.  I'm not going into detail about it, but suffice it to say that it was absolutely ordinary and normal.  It's always the small things.


With this "small thing," I realized something- Nothing has changed.


I am in a new place, and I am surrounded by new faces, but nothing about my being a keeper of the flame has changed a bit.  I still help others out; I'm still approached by friends seeking advice; and yes, I'm still keeping that room empty.

In short, I still haven't found her yet.




Don't take any of this to mean that I dislike helping my friends, or that I am in any way jealous.  I love to help my friends- In any way I can.  As far as jealousy goes, I find it to be a foreign concept.  I am happy for those around me who find love, and I am more than happy to be able to help in any way.  I love my friends and my family immensely, and I'm more than satisfied in displaying that love in any way I can.


Yet still, I cannot shake this feeling of having been overlooked.  With only one exception, every ex-girlfriend of mine has found happiness, and I am overjoyed for that.  I love that they've found a love they can cling to.  Meanwhile, I still have a lot of lady friends who remain just that- friends.  Some would say that I'm in the perfect position to be a playboy, yet I do not wish to be.


So, if I could add another section to that song I wrote so long ago, it would be:

How long will it sit in dust
How long must I lay and rust
How long till the waiting ends
How long till I'm more than a friend
How long till I know love's kiss
How long must I still be missed
How long till I lay my head
Beside hers in our bed?


As I sit on this porch and rock alone
I think back and smile
Friends have brought joy to my home
My list of thanks could stretch for miles

Yet still I have an echo there
Where no echo should be
And never once was a fire lit
Where the fire ought to be...

I was the keeper of the fire
I made the flames leap higher
But the ice inside of me
Never melted away for love to see
So though I kept the fire of lo-ve
Love has never come to me...
I wish love would come to me...
Will it ever come to me...
See, it's only toyed with me...


...When will love come to me?